Shots In The Dark
(Del-Fi 2113)

It all began with a day at the beach. I had come to surf the Banzai pipeline. Out past the break I met an interesting man. He rode a wooden surfboard. He was an older, Asian gentleman. A Mr. Yonioshi, or Yonioshi-san as all the other surfers called him. Yonioshi-san had very dark, almost arabesque skin. It was the kind of skin you get when all you have to do each day is spend each lonesome hour out on the water waiting for the big one to come in.

He seemed like a fun-loving guy. Between sets he was telling bad jokes. He had just finished the pink panther theme joke. You know the one, "dead-ant, dead-ant". Oh well, it seemed funny at the time. Anyway, Yonioshi is having THE party tonight and apparently anyone who is out on the banzai, partaking in this experiment in terror is invited. I'm game, I say.

Apparently Yonioshi's house is called the Monkey Farm. At first I think it sounds a touch evil, but it turns out he made his money in wildlife. He sold spurious monkey testicles as an aphrodesiac (they were actually motsa balls, hardly testicular). From the look of the party inhabitants I'd say that Yonioshi-san must know a thing or two about aphrodesiacs because this place is swinging. One young lady tells me later that in her case all that is required is a good gin martini (with lemon, because olives are not sexy). 

I'm introduced to Yonioshi's "secretary". Charade (instrumental in Yonioshi's success, I'm sure) is a knockout punch. She looks like the kind of girl that would hum the peter gunn theme during oral sex if it would excite you. She's by no means a shy girl. She calls me "dreamsville" and asks me if I want to play strip poker.

Never one to turn down an offer to get naked, I accept. The game, it turns out is being played by 9 women, myself and one other gentleman. Luckily I came prepared for this. I'm wearing a four piece suit-something for the cat who wants to win. Pretty soon I'm surrounded by naked women who are asking to see Mr. Lucky.

Charade (vocal about her intentions by now) has invited me upstairs. "It's time to push the button, Max" she says, lingering on the x. She's not my girl, and even if she was, I'm not much of a lover, so by the time I finish a shot in the dark it is time for me to go to sleep. She stays awake trying to entertain the thought of me, her and days of wine and roses. I rest.

In the morning I wake to the pounding of her feet as she rises to pee. My god I think, last night she looked so light on her feet. This morning all I can here is the sound of her pounding baby elephant walk across the oak floor. It's time for me to go. Now.

---Tom Nardone

Ahhh. Charade (instrumental) was a sure aid instrumental in curing my being lonesome. You see I took a Shot in the Dark Days of Wine and Roses at doing the Baby Elephant Walk. It was an Experiment in Terror. I did a little pachydermic Arabesque and landed on my patoot then my head and it was lights out! Dreamsville baby! Unfortunately I was the life of The Party, they all said nice moves Mr.; Lucky I didn't try the monkey!*

---Rex William Stocklin
eating breakfast at tiffany's
with all his children

postscripts- here's Two for the Road... er- Read I mean *p.s.I thought the Monkey Farm-ore than I could do; next time I'll try Something For Cat-harsis sake.Those folks they knowingly wanna Push the Button, Max out my capabilities! They all have a Touch of Evil Theme in their hearts.